Today I accomplished:
0 Comments
I will call this week a success if I:
1: Expand my network by 3 every day 2: Get better at Tennis 3: Maintain work out schedule 4: Pay attention in the 10 hours of class I have this week. 5: Fulfill daily french goal and speak some to Jafaar 6: Treat everyone with respect and make no mistakes around women If I find myself with free time I will make myself a better person by,
Ukelele, Becoming a gentleman, Researching topics, Building my network, Meditating, Reading, Learning a language. If I spend my time doing these things I will get closer to being the person I want to be. I may finally be approaching a critical point were I look for something greater then the stage at which I have endured. I have learned and I grown but I feel as if it is time for another evolution. The hard part is accomplishing it without alienating those around me.
I must surround myself by the people who have the effect on me to level up. I wish to become more of a gentlemen, never argue with anyone, constantly be aware and passionate enough to seek those opportunities to progress myself. I must constantly be reminded of what it is that I desire to have and become. Our existence lies solely in the observation of other and ourselves. One day I won't have the opportunities I do not, and although it gives me anxiety, it is of truth. Stop wasting time worries about what others think or how I view myself in the mirror. I know whats inside, I know where I belong, and I know I can get there. My masculinity keeps me from my own emotions. Thats what the far left sided progressive liberal would like me to say but its all too true. I want to cry, I want to poor out any left over teenage angst all the way to past love that left me broken in ways I cannot fathom.
I had thoughts this afternoon that thoughts could not be better and frankly from a standard point of you they couldn't be. I know the truth however that society leaves me deeply unsure of my natural instincts. How do I spend my free time. Who do I want to become while holding to the standard of which my peers can view me as a success. Topher talks about me in a state of what seems pure trance. Why can that not be eternity. Just pure experience, what if that was the focus. Of course I desire it but it seems as if I have a need to act on it. I guess I don't want to cry because it feels like self pity. Thats not why I want to though, I just want to release something I feel inside without anyone knowing. Its not that life is bad, I just need to release of unrealized emotion. I still wish to become a better person. I'm sure it in the moments like this that I am "supposed" to be passionate about reaching to it. SO why don't I? I'm tired. I've learned not to reach that far. I'm afraid of failure? IM AFRAID OF FAILURE.... I need to start talking to random strangers. I need to realize that I can make there life better by having that conversation. I will immediately start living in the moment. Finding those current emotions instead of anticipating constant enjoyment always in the future. I have sincerely forgotten how to do this. I accomplished a lot today. I payed attention in all of my classes start to finish. I ran at a good pace. I continued to make myself at-home dinner, I then did the most life-changing thing. I worked hard. I completed a homework assignment and got started with studying for a test. It that moment of almost ecstasy of being alone, working on bettering myself, I realized that I'm not entirely sure I know how to commit to the things that truly enhance my experience. I am surrounded by one type of culture and, don't get me wrong I've had my fun in doing so and enjoyed great moments with great people, but I can't help but to look to the future and not see that as being a part of it. I seem to be more interested in the calm relaxation of a sunset, or fine dining in an atmosphere of emotion, songs with upbeat rhythms or tranceful melodies carry me towards longevity of moving thru life with feeling. For now I'm sure that I have not had my last weekend of almost senseless partying, in which I won't pick out that one time back in college, but maybe thats a good thing. As I spoke of last night I've had many experiences that people my age and older could only dream of having and so I search for something more. I know life can be more. So I hope to have more of these moments where I choose freeing the future by completing what is necessary now and keeping my goals on tap. I find myself again in a place of gratitude.
I must also continue on this path of truly having interest in the well being of others and putting aside my own petty emotions which have no lasting result to better those around me. I want people to know that I care about them. Tonight I had an epiphany. I'm living a pretty cool life. One that involves a lot of things most people won't experience in their lifetime. They are as follows.
|
AuthorStudent to my future Archives
July 2017
|